I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
