you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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