I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
