her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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