Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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