dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dear god my vagina.
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