Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
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You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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