Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
