just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
