It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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