I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
