the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
