Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
