how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
