His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
