paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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