My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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