gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
