You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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