Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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