So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
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I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
tell me about the fingering
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