Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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