dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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