I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
