We named our party play list daddy issues
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
