I accidentally had phone sex last night
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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