mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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