Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
