I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
this is an emotional support booty call
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
