She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
