OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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