i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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