who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
