Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
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i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
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I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!