he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.