Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
