Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
