Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
