Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
