Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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