Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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