So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
