So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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