dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
