my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
