i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
