nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Sober January is a disaster.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
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better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
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Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices