Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She bit a glass in half.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.