You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
