On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
