So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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