I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
