I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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