Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
