i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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