Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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