1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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