You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
